Dia Bondi 00:03
So whereyou put the emphasis on what syllable matters? How do you write a song isdifferent than how do you write a song? Right? How do you build a business is?is different question than how do you build your business? Hello, everyone,welcome to the Dr. Bondi show of big, huge, ginormous grand podcast for womenwith goals. I'm Dr. Bondi, and I'm on a mission to help women ask for more andget it, research their dreams and have a blast doing it. We are here today withmy honor. bestie Arthur Leon Adams, the third.
Hi,Arthur. Hey, all right, honor besties I feel like that we could get t shirtsthat say bestie
Dia Bondi 01:02
or juston air bestie. I think that's like, that's super specific. Not that we're notbesties in other ways, but like, this is a very specific way. We're besties
Yeah. Onour bestie on eBay,
Dia Bondi 01:15
soridiculous. Yeah. So yeah. Hi. Nice to see you. Hi.
Good tosee you. What's going on today?
Dia Bondi 01:22
So manythings. Yeah, this is like it's kind of it was rainy yesterday and cold. Andthen today, it was like so sunny and bright and beautiful. And I in fact,jumped rope on the first end of the day, right there in my Park, I ran up tothe to the park behind my house and jump rope for 20 minutes. And, and it gotready for today because I want to talk like something that's been on my mind isthis idea of saying yes to ourselves.
Dia Bondi 01:47
Yeah. SoI'm working with a client right now a one on one coaching client andcommunications. He's a leader of a startup that's disrupting an industry thatneeds disrupting. And he's absolutely wonderful. I mean, I don't work a lotwith with a one on one in this way, I take on sort of ongoing clients, maybetwo or three at a time. And he is just, we're halfway through aren't engagedour engagement. And we're working on helping him be really powerful in front ofthe audiences that matter to his leadership and to his business so that he andhis teams can be successful. And he's super hard on himself, like, super hardon himself. And he does this thing, where, when he's halfway through telling astory or three sentence into telling the story, if he doesn't like what heheard, he'll stop himself, grimace, and exhale, and go back. And you can seethe gears turning in his head to try to find the quote, unquote, perfect thingto say, the right thing to say. And on the spot, we created, what in my coachingworld, you'd call an intervention to help him keep going. And the interventionwas Hey, so let's do it. Again, let's take it from the top. And as you gothrough this, say yes to yourself, everything that comes out of your mouth, letit stand and say yes to it, and make it work, find a way to make it work. agreewith it, accept it, basically just say yes. So we took it from the top again,and we've been working sort of with this framing, and it is creating so muchprogress and smoothness and command in the moments when we can accept whathappens when we can say yes to ourselves, the words that come out of ourmouths, the ideas that we have, and not react to how imperfect it is and stopourselves and and constantly put ourselves in a state of do over instead ofbuilding on what happens. It can be so much there can be so much relief in itand insight and like recognition that there are multiple paths to expressingone idea. There are multiple paths to bringing to fruition a particular goal ora dream or a you know, an achievement or you know, something on your bucketlist. There are multiple paths. And I just I love this idea of like, when wesay yes to ourselves, how do we actually end up paving a path forward for usfor ourselves? That's what's been on my mind. It's super simple, but reallypowerful and even for me, like where can i say yes to myself more often? Wherecan I say yes to my ideas? Now, it i'm not saying you say yes to everything.You know, we have to say no to some So we can sit, we can make room to say yesto one thing, but just the notion of not being not stopping ourselvesconstantly because of our critical voice because of the thing that that sayslike, Oh, I didn't say that. Right. Or I didn't do that right or. Right.
Yeah. Imean, that's the whole, you know, perfect is the enemy of good thing.
Dia Bondi 05:18
I mean,sometimes I think that that phrase, can come off as a little flippant, but it'slike, perfect is the enemy of like, really? Excellent.
Dia Bondi 05:28
Yes, Ithink that's, I think that's really fair that like we can, this also doesn'tmean that we're settling for garbage that comes out of our know is just, it's ait's about movement, and traction. And, and being a little bit in flow withwhat happens and recognize that, you know, one of the core things I reallybelieve is that action reveals a lot. And when we get into action, we get intomotion or with this client, for example, if he says something one way, we candiscover what works about it and do more of that, instead of just erasing ittrying to pretend it didn't happen. Getting into sort of a self critical modeand stopping ourselves constantly. Right? So yeah, it doesn't it doesn't meanthat we also can't pursue excellence. It's just I mean, even this podcast, whatis it? We're recording? Episode Seven? Yeah. And I have said, I think I said inan earlier episode, I've saying to all my friends and colleagues, I think I'vetalked to you about this, that the only way we're going to get as good as we'regoing to be on episode 78 is to do 77 episodes before that. Oh, yeah. We haveto actually say yes. And just keep going. And in in our acceptance, that theywill be all imperfect, we're actually going to make our way towards excellence.
Yeah,totally. Perfect imperfection.
Dia Bondi 06:49
Yeah,exactly. That's what's been on my mind this week, it's been on my mind, becauseit's so simple, and so powerful. And I'm actually seeing it kind of unfold infront of my own eyes with this client. What's so interesting to me about all ofthis leadership communications work I've done over the years, is it stepping onstage is such a, it's like this hyper compressed scenario, where the thingsthat play out over the court, where it's like a metaphor, or like a compressedexperience of what happens, you know, in our lives over an 18 month period, ora 20, or five year period, you know, this thing, we get to work on all thisstuff, in preparation for and then delivery of 12 minutes on stage, saying yesto ourselves, you know, tolerating our own power in front of an audience, youknow, finding ways to identify, like, really clearly what, what idea is it thatI'm trying to, I'm trying to share with the world here, what is my role onstage, in this moment, that is a concentrated version of my role in the world,I just, it's so it's such a wonderful way to take like our whole lives andcompress it into this teeny tiny moment, I think about that for auctioneeringas well, like, you know, over the course of our careers, were asking andgetting things were in a, you know, in a generosity exchange with folks around,you know, helping one another get somewhere we're making decisions and makingmoves, we're building relationships. And those play out over, you know, forsome of us over 10 years to get to sort of some some goal that we might have.But in auctioneering, I end up doing this, like, relationship, purpose basednegotiation, you know, for fundraising auctioneering in like, two and a halfminutes, I mean, an auction auctioneering one item will take anywhere from, youknow, two to five minutes, hopefully more like two, and the amount of stuffthat's playing out in that two to five minutes, you can almost just like,stretch out and lay over something that feels more like in real time, over thecourse of you know, 18 months in our in our lives, building a relationship withsomebody, you know, aligning and, and having affinity and then being able tohave an exchange with one another and see what delights them and see whatdelights you and then having a serious moment and maybe sometimes gettingconfused and then making an ask that, you know, you don't get a response to andthen adjusting and it's just like this whole weird, super compressed lifemoment, or life period compressed into a moment. I've said that like 900 times,but like, I love these, I love working on things that are a snapshot of so manyother things that make that am I talking crazy.
No, no,it's, it's cool. It's like, it's, it makes me think of like quantum theory andstuff like that, you know, like the small things containing multitudes, youknow?
Dia Bondi 09:48
Yes,that's exactly what it feels like for me. So yeah, when we say when when youare standing in front of an audience, and it's high stakes and everyone'slistening, and you say something that could easily say That's the wrong thing.If you just instead accept it and make it work, weave it into what's next,you're going to find that you have so much more control and command than you doif you try to make it perfect and go back, and that can be expanded across somany other points in our lives.
Also,today, we have a comment from a listener, she called in and left us a littlemessage on our voicemail, which you can call at 341-333-2997 if you have aquestion or a comment or anything you'd like to say about the show, so here itis.
Hey,Dia, this is Tara. I just really listened to your podcast again. And I was soexcited when I realized I've been using your five pillars and asking for moreand getting it. So I've been consulting for several months for clients of mine.And last week, they asked me, What would it take for you to join us full time.So I drafted a slide last night that outlined everything I would need to makethat week. And today, when I relooked at that slide, having listened to yourpodcast, I realized I literally hit all five pillars and asking for more in mylist, and I didn't realize that I was channeling my energy until I put ittogether this morning. So thank you so much for embedding those principles inme on such a deep level.
Yeah, soyou know, channeling your energy. Yeah.
Dia Bondi 11:29
That'sso funny. And so awesome. You know, I don't actually know, I'm not sure thatthose pillars came from me, you know, those principles, you know, are somethingthat were quote unquote, embedded is that the word she used, but these, it'smore like, I mean, yay, thank you so much for calling it number one. Numbertwo, congratulations. And number three, you know, I love that you're noticingthat and and these five pillars are not something that necessarily I created.It's what after launching project asked like an auctioneer, I noticed that allof the asks we can make and and being strategic and how we asked for what weneed to, you know, say yes to something or to resource, our goals do fall intothese five categories. It's sort of like whether I like it or not. And forthose of you who hadn't heard those before, these five categories are fivepillars, as she called them, which I love are about money. They're aboutauthority, like what decisions do we get to own and, and they are aboutinfluence. And they are about balance. And this is about bringing into balance ourinner selves with our external selves. And it could be in the shape of how wework, how we spend our time, what we work on. And then last, is fun, like, youknow, that one sort of comes and goes. But the underpinning of all this is I'veheard from women that like I want to change, and I need to ask for somethingthat isn't supportive, having more fun in my life and in my work in my infantcan can come in the form of engagement, you know that that feeling like you'rereally connected to what you're doing, that you're awake with it. So I love it,that she's noticing the very thing she's noticing in her own negotiation, thevery thing that I've been noticing over the last 18 months talking to hundredsof women about the kinds of critical asks they make in their careers and intheir businesses. So yeah, I love that. Thanks so much for calling andreflecting that back to us.
Yeah,thanks so much for calling in. And like I said before, if you want to call in,you want to tell us a story about how you channeled your inner dia. You cancall us at 341-333-2997. Or you can email us at Hello at dia bondy.com. And ifyou really liked the podcast, you can subscribe to it. You can rate it you canwrite reviews, and you know, share it with your friends and it can really helpthis show reach other people. That's right.
Dia Bondi 13:56
We loveour champions.
Okay,today we also have a question from a listener. And it's really interestingquestion, I think that you'll have a lot to say about it.
Dia Bondi 14:08
I alwaysget so nervous. I always get so nervous when we have when we have a callerquestion.
Yeah,yeah. But you answer questions from people all the time.
Dia Bondi 14:16
Yeah, Iknow. But it's it always. It's always like maybe this is the one that I gotnothing to say about it. Maybe in 20 years. That is rare, but it's still like,
Oh, allright, here it is.
Hello, Ifound you through one of your creative life courses. And I was so stoked tofind your podcast. I am a learning and development professional working incorporate. And for years, I've been wanting to strike out on my own and build abusiness around health and wellness for women. But I keep getting stuck. Oneidea leads to another and pretty soon it's so big and unwieldy that I just donothing and want to ask for help. But I don't even know where to start.
Oh yeah,I know what that's like.
Dia Bondi 14:57
Yeah.What was the part that's sticking out for you?
I mean,You know, coming up with lots of strategies and ideas for things you want todo, and then it just grows and grows and grows and grows. And then you're like,I'm just gonna sit on the couch. worse. Yeah. Yeah.
Dia Bondi 15:13
Yeah. Soa couple things that stand out for me on this one. One is like, okay, I want toask for help. And I don't even know where to start. That's awesome. And that'stotally a thing. Because, you know, when I talk about helping women ask formore and get it, it's, again, not just about those, those ordained andrecognizable negotiation moments, it's totally about using asking as a successstrategy, how can I ask for help? And if I am asking for help, what am I askingfor help with? And who am I asking? So that's one. The other thing that'sinteresting is this idea of like, yes, one idea leads to another to another toanother, and that now you're crushed under the weight of all these fantasticideas. And that can be well that in the moment, you know, at moments can feelfun and fruitful, it can end up being sort of crushing. And it's interestingthat this call is happening. The same week that I'm sitting with this questionof like, how do we say yes to ourselves and sort of make things work to keepourselves in motion? Because I think there's a lot of power in not figuring outwhat the right thing is to do here. But to say, Have her say yes to something.Okay. That is that is tied to some clarity around what impact she really wantsto have and who she's actually serving? So, I guess those are the three, thoseare the three things I'd like to touch on in this question. The first feelslike, okay, when you say health and wellness, or growing a business and healthand wellness, what specifically do you mean? Are you talking about movement?Are you talking about mental health? Are you talking like, what is the contentarea? So? So I would say pick one, and it doesn't have to be the right one, ithas to be one that you can say yes to enough to start to experiment with numberone. inside of this first bit, we also want to understand who specifically Areyou serving, and it's not just about like, a, you know, an age group, but itmight be a stage group, you know, it could be a whole group of women who areranging, you know, in age, but all share that they're coming out of loss, youknow, or they're coming, they're heading into a big transition in their life,or they're moving back into the workforce after having kids or, you know, itcould be about age as much as it can be about stage in their lives. So that'sso what is it? What's the, what's the target area? And then what is theaudience profile that you really want to be serving, obviously, so gettingreally clear on those two things, and not having it be the the decision thatyou make be the last decision you make, it's just a decision, a choice you'regoing to make, just like on stage, in my earlier example, with my client, it'snot the last time he's going to be on stage saying a thing this is you justmaking a choice in this moment, and saying yes, to what to his choice andmaking it work. So so that's the first thing get clear on the content area, andthat you want to experiment with, reframe it as experiment, not decide andnever change, and to Who do you really want to serve? And then I think there's,there's this second piece, which is, of all the ideas similar thing of all theideas or the retreats, are they you know, is an online course, is it productsis like, what are the things I would want to understand which one is the most,which one is the one that feels the most resonant? A few episodes ago, I talkeda little bit about how do you identify a goal that might matter to you, andwe're not always looking for, you know, perfect or right, what we're looking foris resonant, because and especially when you think about growth, you know, ifyou're gonna write a book, if you're gonna, you know, start a side hustle, ifyou're gonna leave your corporate job and go start a new business, it's got tobe resonant enough for you, for you to be able to move through the hard parts.So if you've got 10 ideas, they are all legit, I would then look at which ofthose top ideas which of those ideas sort of float to the top as the mostresonant, the ones that have that are most have the highest frequency for you.And then take maybe two or three of those and start to get into movementwithout deciding that it's going to be the last thing you'll ever do. Just getinto movement, with knowing that it's not going to be the last thing and factwhat it may end up becoming is very different than what it looks like rightnow. And to hold that sort of loose, I would say like firmly and loosely at thesame time, right? Like you have it has, it has a you have you can hold it withsome sub solidness you know, with big cupped hands, but you're not gripping itso tightly that it doesn't have room to breathe a little bit.
Like alittle baby chick,
Dia Bondi 19:49
like alittle baby chick. Exactly. So, so. Okay, so first idea, get clear with like,what the content is its most recent For you, and who you really want to serve,both in terms of, you know, their profile could be an age but also in stage,what they're grappling with. And then of all the ideas, the ways you candeliver that, what is the most resonant? And then to grapple with the questionof like, how do I ask for help? What do I actually ask for? I just want to saythat like, being alone with this stuff is really hard. It's, it's really hardto be alone with ideas that you love, that you're not sure the world will loveto. I mean, when I launched project as like an auctioneer, I was like, What isthis thing? And I, you know, and I, I felt pretty alone with it for a couple ofweeks. And the moment that I said it out loud in a room and got 12 women standup, walk across the room, and come tell me what a cool idea it was, and otherideas, ways that I could, who I could bring it to, and where I could experimentwith it, all of a sudden, it became that baby chick, it wasn't me. You know, itwas like, wow, this is an idea outside of myself. That other that is resonantfor other women, let's see where I can start to get it, put, put some legsunderneath it. So for you color, you know, as you think about as you thinkabout the asks what you could do to ask for help, there are women that are theprofile of the woman that you want to serve, that are that are, you know, havea relationship with the content that you want to serve them with? Meaning, youknow, is it is it movement or mental health stuff? Is it you know, is itcontent is it experiences blah, blah, blah. gather those women in a room. Oneask you could make for help is to gather those women in a room virtualotherwise, share with them what you're up to, and find out what is the mostattractive, resonant for those women that you will serve and see if you canfind yourself a pilot group of women who say yes to what you're trying to do inthe world, will help you refine and understand more deeply, which one is rightfor them, but also right for you, because it has to serve both of you so youcan stay engaged and push through those hard parts of building something new.So when we think about asking for more, and getting it maybe in this case, thisis asking for more balance, meaning and influence as well. But bringing intobalance your own internal stories, and ideas about what the what will be whatwill work, what will serve what will have the impact that you want. Bringingthat internal story you have into balance with how the world might see and feelabout it, the stories that the world might tell about it. And the world couldbe 12 women in the living room doing a small focus group. So when when we cannot be alone with these things, and connect our inner stories with the outer reality,I think that can also be really both courage making, it can also be veryrefining. You can refine your ideas and find out what specifically about aspecific idea is, is resonant and real for people that has legs. So that yourlittle chick that you have holding in, you know, in that that firm firmlycupped but loosely, you know, Speight loosely held chicken, your hand can startto can start to like walk on its own a little bit, knowing that it might not bethe only check that you ever have. So I think those are my three, those are mythree sort of coaching buckets, as you think about how to get into motion, andhow to get out from underneath that crushingly large set of great ideas thatcan drive you to just staying on your couch, just pick one and get in tomotion. You know, I i think i don't know if i thought it earlier if I alreadysaid it on this episode. But I do believe that action reveals a lot. Gettinginto action reveals to us a lot about what works, what's working and what's notworking, we just have to be willing to make one action. And notice what theresponse is. And in this case, the action might be exactly inviting women intoyour reality, testing with them, which ideas are most resonant so that you canget out of your head and into the world. And so that you can bring into balancethe internal stories you're telling about what's what's the right idea or not,and what the world actually is interested in, and, and that might dislodge youa little bit. What's funny about this is that while you're picking somethingwhich feels like it's raises the stakes, we're also lowering the stakes by notmaking it the last decision you'll ever make by making it an experiment, not adecision and one experiment and an outcome from that experiment will lead to anotherwill lead to another and lead to another Pretty soon, you're gonna havesomething that isn't just a baby chick anymore, but maybe something that canactually fly.
Thewhole thing about, you know, the idea or the decision not being like the one.This is the decision. And the idea that I'm that this is it. This is the lastidea. This is the last decision. That's that's really eye opening for me.Because, yeah, you do get really, really mired in, like, you get all theseideas. And you're like, Well, which one is the right idea? Which one should Ido first? Which one? And it's like, well just do one of them?
Dia Bondi 25:42
Yes. Imean, do you find you write songs?
Dia Bondi 25:46
you're amusician. And you write a lot of different kinds of music. And you dabble andenjoy a lot of different kinds of music. When you sit down to write a song. Imean, do you decide what it's going to be? And then force it into that? Or doyou experiment, you have an idea, a notion, and then you play with it until itemerges into and takes the shape of the thing that needs to be
right.Well, I could go on and on about this. But this topic I'm endlessly fascinatedwith about songwriting process of other songwriters. But I will say that I havebeen in bands before that had a very specific and narrow thing that we wrotesongs about, and we sang about. And so that was always a box that, you know, towrite songs about. But then when I'm just writing whatever I want, you know, itcan be anything.
Dia Bondi 26:35
It'sstill like this color from today. She's like, boom, health and wellness. It'sspecifically like she put, she's like, there's a box that I'm operating in. Buteven inside of that box, you know, there's this sort of like idea of freedominside of a framework, right, or creativity that requires some constraints. Soyou do have some, you do put it in a box, and then you go like, Okay, I'm goingto pick an idea. I'm going to pick a riff, I don't know how this works in songwriting.And then and then I'm gonna I have I have a, you don't just start with nothing.You start with something right? Don't you? And you? And do you do you have tohold I mean, like her. And like, even you know, the thing that we're doingright now with the podcast is like, we know what it is, we're making it andalso letting it noticing what's working and what's not. And then constantlysort of letting it grow into what it needs to be. So that is excellent. Like,we talked about the beginning of the podcast, but also, but also saying yes towhat's happening so that it can emerge, we can let it emerge, and then just sayyes, and no to the things that aren't working or are working until it is whatit needs to be.
Yeah,totally. And you know, you having guardrails, of some kind for your project,like, you know, you have a genre, or genres that your band plays, and you havecertain things that you maybe sing about, or you don't sing about, and incertain instrumentation and all these things, but really, when it comes down toI mean, I sit down at the piano, and I just start playing music. And it turnsinto something right, you know, just spontaneously, so it's a little
Dia Bondi 28:07
well, aswell, it's sort of like, the, the the color today talking about, you know, shedoes have that box, and she's saying I'm going to make something in thisterritory. She's picked her genre, right? Yeah. And she's got to figure outlike, is this gonna be? What, what does it need to be that's going to make it,you know, my audiences come alive with it. For the people that she knows, likethat kind of, you know, are interested in stuff in that box. Right, right. Andwhat we talked about a few episodes ago around identifying your goals, that'sthat exercise. Neither of these are better or worse. But that exercise aboutyou know, sort of brainstorming all of the things that are interesting to you,and then looking and seeing what's most resonant. I imagine that's like, whathappens at the piano, you just start putting things on the board, you startplaying the piano and finding what's most resonant what you want to follow now.
Yeah,yes, absolutely. Use this is how it works for me. Some people write the lyricsfirst. Some people do it all at once some people you know, there's alldifferent ways. But yeah, you I start, I sit down and I start playing somechords or some notes, and I just follow that. Now sometimes I sit down at thepiano and it's like, what's a key? I haven't written the song in interesting,
Dia Bondi 29:24
yet.We're gonna there's gonna be an episode in our future where I want to talkabout not like, I have a lot of clients, who will say to me, like, what do Ihow do I fill in the blank? How do I prepare for a presentation? What is how doI rehearse what's the right way to do it? And my answer always is not likehere's the right way to do it. My answer is, I don't know. Let's find out howyou do it. Right. And that's what we invest in is discovering how we do it. Andthat takes going back to the caller today again, takes experimentation, awillingness to experiment.
Yeah.And and, and honestly now, you know, in the last couple years, my wife and Ihave been writing songs together. And that's a whole different thing. And I'velearned new ways to do it. And I've done things that I never did before. Like,take a full set of lyrics and write music for it.
Dia Bondi 30:18
Yeah, Ilike my recap for this cause I know they're supposed to be recapping right now.And we're like, all of a sudden talking about the other stuff, but it's alltied because this is this question of like, how do I get some how do I birthsomething? How do I make something in the world that is something that is doingwhat I want it to do having the impact I want it to even if it doesn't take theform that I expected. I wonder if there's a piece of this where we don't haveto ask what am I supposed to do but asked like, yes, how do I do it? Here'swhat's working for me right now.
It'ssomething that I I do think about a lot and I've talked about a lot but it's soit's such a it's such a like a morphus, like, heady thing to even really getinto, you know, like, how do you write a song? I don't know.
Dia Bondi 31:04
No, Imean, is it though? I mean, the question, so where do you put the emphasis onwhat syllable matters? How do you write a song is different than how do youwrite a song? Right? How do I build a bit like how do you build a business isis different question than how do you build your business? So that's just umyeah,
andthere can be many answers 100%
Dia Bondi 31:27
Well,great. I love talking about this stuff with you and with you lis and with youlisteners all you
it'ssuper thought provoking and I'm going to be thinking about it for the rest ofthe day. Love it. And
Dia Bondi 31:36
youknow, you have me on back channel. So if you ever want to talk aboutsongwriting, with somebody who knows nothing about it, but is also reallycurious how you how do you do it? Sure, and wants to hear about it. I'm happyto I'm happy to give it up with you all day long about it. All right,
the DIAbond. Michelle is a production of Dia Bondi Communications and is produced bybaby a, please like, share, rate, and subscribe at Apple podcast, Googlepodcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you get your favorite podcast. Do youhave a question for Dia about an important ask in your life? Give us a call at341-333-2997 and maybe you'll hear your question answered on a future episode.